Just something from a long time ago.

Written for an ex as we almost had one last night about a year after he broke up with me on Valentine's Day (because he couldn't take the guilt of having cheated on me multiple times) and after a certain abduction by someone else. We didn't actually have that kind of last goodbye, but part of me wished we had...

Lies In Passion; Passion In Truth

I smile and avert my eyes, playing coy and innocent to hide the secrets you already know. My feelings show in my movements: a touch of nerves sends my fingers through my hair. Inside my shoes, my toes curl. My cheeks blush from the compliment in your gaze, the hunger in your smile. Eyes locked on lips in silent agreement; this is getting dangerous. Never one to back down from temptation (even when it leads to destruction), I look back at you, into your eyes. You see all there is with my defenses down. The smile that lingers even as I lean closer. The truth in my surrender. The passion ignited from just a brush of skin against skin. Your fingers trail down my face as the burning lust in my eyes tells you just how far beyond the edge we’ve already gone. There’s no turning away now. Lips meet and tingle with the sensation of coming home again and knowing that I’m exactly where I want to be. Hands touch, move, slide down backs and chests; waiting to be closer, to have more… be more. Clothing disappears behind doors shut in haste, and our frenzy stills as we look into eyes dazed with heat and yearning. This is dangerous… but it’s not enough. We are slowed down by thought but moved by tenderness and desire. On a bed covered in pillows, we seek Heaven down a path paved in sin. In that moment, your arms encircle my world. Your heart holds mine. What haven could be better? The dance continues. The play between bodies and minds twists and turns, growing faster, wilder… combustible. Reason flees and thoughts are too much for the plane of existence where the two of us are the only inhabitants. Words are beyond me as I purr my need into your ear. The rhythm of lust beats fast, and we go faster still. Headlong into bliss, pleasure, oblivion… heaven. You are my heaven. Spilling out of myself with a moan I don’t recognize as emanating from my lips, I see us from above. I see you. Dazed, my vision slowly returns to me as I feel our legs intertwined. Sleep will claim us soon. Peace settles like a blanket over our heated bodies. We curl up, fitting our bodies together like puzzle pieces, and for the first time in a year, I know I will sleep comfortably and perfectly safe. There’s only a tiny part of my mind and heart that acknowledges the pain of the treachery and betrayal. We will sleep tonight, but tomorrow, it ends. I will leave this place, leave your smile, leave you behind without a backward glance. Though it might kill me, it might steal my breath and stop my heart, I’ll be gone, walking away from the one person I will always love. You should never have left me, betrayed me, hurt me. That is the only thing that soothes the pain enough to bear this: You want me, and you can never have me back.

Bad Poetry

Ancient Fantasy 

A thousand angels fall

As ten thousand ages pass.

The feather and the stone

Showing that nothing lasts.

The fiery sun of her hair;

The ocean storm of her eyes.

The erotic fantasy of her smile;

A million deaths of her goodbyes.

A darkened sky flies into midnight

As stars twinkle in their defiance.

The moon bright with blood,

The red smile of deliverance.

The smokey haze of my confidence,

The fall of mercy and grace.

The ejaculation of paradise, 

The violence of death’s embrace.

A moment in eternity

Is like a drop of rain in the sea.

An eternity spent in a moment 

Is my fate, the only one I see.

Death smiles with gnawing teeth, 

With outstretched arms and claws revealed.

My beauty, my love, my darling heart,

Betrays me with a kiss sealed

By fate’s hand, and I will die.

In dying, know that fantasy made real

Betrays the soul of man, 

And makes the flesh to feel.

Untitled

I am alone.

Walking the street, couples surround me. Their happy faces glow in the eyes of the one they adore. Underneath the mask of love, it is all the same: feat eats away souls unaware.

I am darkness.

There was a flame inside that was extinguished by betrayal. My love was the victim as the sun poured in. Fear murdered my heart.

I am death.

Eyes see nothing but destruction as pain becomes pleasure. Blood spills down my hands as I wipe away the evidence of emotion. It is better than being numb.

I am nothing.

Shadows crowd me as I withdraw from the scenes played out before me. You were once mine. I have no meaning.

I am forsaken.

On my knees, I cry out. There is nothing, no one to answer my pleas. You are gone. Anger takes over, and I lose my salvation to the glorious heat of sins never to be forgotten. Your betrayal changed me, killed me, yet I still breathe. Now, there is an eternity to exact my revenge.

Distraction

Moments of weakness

Bring me to this place.

I need a distraction.

I long to see your face.

The world gets too big,

And my heart, too heavy.

I just want some peace

And to be happy.

What I wouldn’t give to 

Spend a day in your arms.

Shut out the world,

And surrender to your charms.

Your kiss might be lethal

And your touch, my death,

But to have that day,

I’d gladly give my last breath.

You seem to be

Just the distraction I need.

When nothing goes right,

And morning only brings tears,

I want to drown in your body,

Have you kiss away my fears.

Holding you close with

Our tangled legs uncovered.

The only heaven I seek

Is to be your lover.

What wouldn’t I give to

Spend a night in your eyes?

To taste the passion of Eden

And trust in the lies?

Our bodies dipped in

Wine, sweat, and ecstasy

While you hold me captive, 

A prisoner of Divinity.

You seem to be 

Just the distraction I need.

Embers and Ashes

I saw your face today

In an old photograph on a wall

And I couldn’t stop the pain

From pouring down my face.

It seemed the past was on my tongue

Like a bittersweet aftertaste

Almost forgotten in the years that have come and gone.

We are all just embers in the fire.

The winds of time blow hard and free.

They still, become calm,

But life continues on.

We are the embers, sparks of life

Or dying charcoal.

We all have a part to play,

And I still miss the spark you gave to me.

I can still see your smile

So kind and full of joy.

You were a gift I never fully understood.

Gone from me before spark had passed.

Now, all is ashes and dust

Still blown about as time marches on.

We are all just ashes-to-be

Still clinging to the warmth of life

As we burn, burn away

Everything but our true selves

Embers in the fire of life

Burning too brightly to last

As I ask myself, who were you

In the end, when the light went out?

September

As Autumn, slowly encroaching,
Heralds golden memories and a soul-deep longing
For you,
We find ourselves once again in this place.
Torn between heaven and hell on earth.
I want to feel your hand in my hand,
To taste heaven once more on lips
Perfect in form and use.
I crave your fingers on bare skin
Trailing down my spine, my side, my chest.
I am open to you.
I long for even the anticipation of kissing
You again, our tongues dancing, playful
Yet dangerously serious.
I am waiting expectantly for the first whisper of a moan,
The moment my heart, body, soul and mind know that I am wanted, cherished, desired and loved.
You come to me,
And I remember so much
Too much and not enough.
Never enough.
You kiss me hello,
And I know.
You miss me, too.
You crave me and my hands and tongue and mouth.
We wait no longer.
The lights are dim and the music seems to beat in time to my heart
And I can almost see it in the air, pulsing around us.
We embrace each other and a moment, fleeting yet one that could be fill an eternity, passes in the instant before your mouth meets mine
And opens to me.
Moans escape and my knees go weak.
I am already trembling in desire,
Hoping you know just how much I am yours.
Clothing disappears and passion reigns.
Your touch on bareskin.
Your mouth on my body.
Your body open to my touch,
My mouth.
You touch me and I begin to move,
And to relish in the moment when not even breathing is more needed than this.
I move and you don't stop.
I move and quiver and
A mountain of loneliness and insecurities shatters under the force of our passion.
I lay there, catching my breath.
I lay there until I begin to touch you.
Taste you.
The look on your face is engraved on my heart.
Your gasps and sighs, and oh, those little moans...
I am so greedy when it comes to tasting you.
I want to swallow you whole, memorizing the shape, the feel, the saltiness. 
But you pull back, wanting something more.
Thoughts disappear as our bodies move.
Together.
As one.
We move and there is no other sound or smell or sight.
We move and I feel complete.
Our bodies joined and I know a joy so vast that my body can't comprehend it.
The need grows and the pace increases.
I want nothing but your satisfaction.
I want your release.
And when it comes, I know that I will never want anyone else in this life
The same way I want you.
Thank you, September,
For your brilliant colors, cooler weather, and for my love.

Who I am without Me

I was listening to Pandora today while trying to put down the words that have been churning inside me for a while. Music helps me to see clearly the emotions rolling around inside, to pick out the melody and harmony of the song on my personal playlist. Sometimes, it is obvious that the theme of the song matches what is inside. Sometimes, it is a little bizarre what triggers my clarity. "Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins started playing. My heart started to constrict. I have liked this song ever since I first heard it on a college radio station. It has always evoked emotion in me, but today, today it made me cry. It made me cry because I was singing it to myself. It wasn't the whole song that hit me. Just the chorus:

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you.

All I know is that I should.

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you.

All I know is that I should.

'Cos she will love you more than I could.

She who dares to stand where I stood.

I have struggled with who I am and what my place is in this world for such a long time. I have never truly accepted myself as I am and loved that person. I have struggled with body issues from age 5, and I have always been the fat girl. I don't want to be that person anymore. I have been holding myself back. I am so scared to fail, to try my hardest and fail to change. I allowed myself to grow used to this cycle of self abuse, but I am getting tired of it all. I also don't know who I am if I'm not the fat girl. I don't know who I am without this weight on me, literally and figuratively, but I should know. I don't know what it would feel like to look down at my hands and see change. I should know. I don't love myself right now, but could I love myself if I changed? If I found the willpower and self control? Would I look into the mirror at the new me and find self love? Would I just be a shadow of the person I am? I don't know, but I should know. I want to know. I want to change, but I'm still stuck...
 

See I thought love was black and white

That it was wrong or it was right,

But you ain't leaving without a fight

And I think I am just as torn inside.

Is there anything harder than breaking up with yourself?

A heart's longing

I have had so very many emotions bubbling inside of me lately. I have heard some very wonderful news. I have had amazing moments of happiness and contentment. I have reason to believe that I will be able to finally make peace with some events and people from the past. I have also turned green with envy, felt the pressure of conflict on a daily basis, and worried about my financial security. I feel like I am at a turning point in my life. I just don't know which way the winds of change will blow. Even knowing that, the strongest emotion I feel is a very intense longing. Most people will say it is only natural for a woman of my age to long for a family of her own. It's just my biological clock ticking. Maybe it is. I just can't dam up the longing in my heart and soul for a family to call my own. I even know with whom I want to start a family. It's just not destined to happen now. I keep telling myself that I had to wait 28 years to meet someone who loves me for exactly who I am, so I can wait a little longer for everything else. I sometimes think that I'm just not supposed to be a mom. I mean, what if I'm not cut out to be a good mother? I think those thoughts so much. I just don't know what to do right now. I'm all weepy lately. There doesn't seem to be a way to prevent this, so I just write to get all out without exploding. My heart is happy and sad, content but full of longing. Once again, I feel like both extremes but nothing in between. My need to find balance seems to have abandoned me for the moment. Hopefully, I'll find it soon. Until then, I will continue writing, listening to sad music, being happy with the people I love, and trying to make the best of everything.

Love this song, but oh goodness, does it ever make me cry...