I have had so very many emotions bubbling inside of me lately. I have heard some very wonderful news. I have had amazing moments of happiness and contentment. I have reason to believe that I will be able to finally make peace with some events and people from the past. I have also turned green with envy, felt the pressure of conflict on a daily basis, and worried about my financial security. I feel like I am at a turning point in my life. I just don't know which way the winds of change will blow. Even knowing that, the strongest emotion I feel is a very intense longing. Most people will say it is only natural for a woman of my age to long for a family of her own. It's just my biological clock ticking. Maybe it is. I just can't dam up the longing in my heart and soul for a family to call my own. I even know with whom I want to start a family. It's just not destined to happen now. I keep telling myself that I had to wait 28 years to meet someone who loves me for exactly who I am, so I can wait a little longer for everything else. I sometimes think that I'm just not supposed to be a mom. I mean, what if I'm not cut out to be a good mother? I think those thoughts so much. I just don't know what to do right now. I'm all weepy lately. There doesn't seem to be a way to prevent this, so I just write to get all out without exploding. My heart is happy and sad, content but full of longing. Once again, I feel like both extremes but nothing in between. My need to find balance seems to have abandoned me for the moment. Hopefully, I'll find it soon. Until then, I will continue writing, listening to sad music, being happy with the people I love, and trying to make the best of everything.
Love this song, but oh goodness, does it ever make me cry...
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