Who I am without Me

I was listening to Pandora today while trying to put down the words that have been churning inside me for a while. Music helps me to see clearly the emotions rolling around inside, to pick out the melody and harmony of the song on my personal playlist. Sometimes, it is obvious that the theme of the song matches what is inside. Sometimes, it is a little bizarre what triggers my clarity. "Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins started playing. My heart started to constrict. I have liked this song ever since I first heard it on a college radio station. It has always evoked emotion in me, but today, today it made me cry. It made me cry because I was singing it to myself. It wasn't the whole song that hit me. Just the chorus:

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you.

All I know is that I should.

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you.

All I know is that I should.

'Cos she will love you more than I could.

She who dares to stand where I stood.

I have struggled with who I am and what my place is in this world for such a long time. I have never truly accepted myself as I am and loved that person. I have struggled with body issues from age 5, and I have always been the fat girl. I don't want to be that person anymore. I have been holding myself back. I am so scared to fail, to try my hardest and fail to change. I allowed myself to grow used to this cycle of self abuse, but I am getting tired of it all. I also don't know who I am if I'm not the fat girl. I don't know who I am without this weight on me, literally and figuratively, but I should know. I don't know what it would feel like to look down at my hands and see change. I should know. I don't love myself right now, but could I love myself if I changed? If I found the willpower and self control? Would I look into the mirror at the new me and find self love? Would I just be a shadow of the person I am? I don't know, but I should know. I want to know. I want to change, but I'm still stuck...
 

See I thought love was black and white

That it was wrong or it was right,

But you ain't leaving without a fight

And I think I am just as torn inside.

Is there anything harder than breaking up with yourself?